It’s been quite some time since I have blogged through any social media platforms. There are many thoughts and memories running through my mind. Some of happiness, some of sadness. Yet it is the grief in me that pushes me to write again, like how I did before. You might ask, why don’t you just randomly rant on your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram account? Well, I can say that this is done so that no one would be worried about how I would end up if I say it out loud.
So how do I feel now? I feel anger, sadness and many other emotions of which I do not know how to convey it out. I have never thought that love was such a hard thing to grasp. I thought that if I am true to the person in my feelings and thoughts, the person would understand how I feel towards him. Nevertheless, it was never this case.
Maybe I should not have agreed to it. Maybe I should have ran away as fast as I could when I knew something started to be wrong. No matter how I asked God, or even Googled for answers, I will probably never get to understand what he is thinking at all. Yet, I still love this man who brought me both pain and happiness at the same time.
Are there any regrets? Yes, there is a lot. Regrets on how I could never have communicated well with him the first time we met… Regrets on maybe I have neglected him somehow somewhere… Regrets on how I knew he was playing me out even though he was trying to be nice to me, saying that he wants to cut himself out of my life so that he will bring no more pain. Yet the truth is, the pain came greater than anyone else could have expected… Especially for myself…
Do I forgive him? Yes, I do. I truly do. Even when he shuts me totally out of his life, I really hope that at least he gives me the chance to slowly recover but not slam me in the door with what he has done.
He asked me the night I met him at 4am in the morning, “Why are you still up?” But he knows that we are to meet at 10.30pm the night before. He knows I was waiting for him at the appointed location that we have agreed to meet up so that we can clear things up. So I waited the night there. An hour after another hour. I really thought maybe I would end up waiting till morning… For a glimpse during the wait, I might have seen him walking past me back to where he stayed… But I told myself, he would come to me if he had seen me. So I continue waited.
Till my breaking point came… I gave up… I really gave up on waiting. Being thrown away once in this manner is hurting enough for me. To have to experience it one more time, my heart could not take it as I could compared to my younger days. Then he texted. The text. The silly me still yearn to see him so I turned back even though I know I shouldn’t.
Saw him. Talked to him. I saw it in his eyes. That’s it. The end of everything.
Immature actions came after. Blocking me on Facebook, Instagram. All because of the concern of his health and his habit of alcohol consumption. Does he think that I was stalking him on social media? No, I was not.
So why do I say that to him? Cause I saw visions. I heard words from my friends. Was he really working while I was out in the cold waiting for him? I would not want to comment on that. But I was very disheartened. I was left out in the cold while he was out drinking with his colleagues. But I have a hunch on that when I saw him, the smell of cigarettes and the flushed face that could have resulted from alcohol consumption.
What I want to say to him and let him know:
I really love you, even though you neither love nor like me a single bit. To you, I might be the overly obsessive girl that bothers you too much in your life. But all I was hoping was for you to turn your head and look at me once in your eyes. Your apologies mean nothing to me when you are still using means and methods to hurt me while being away. Just once, I hope that I was not a threat to you, someone untrustable, someone who is scheming against you. Have you thought that my intentions were not pure, I rather your concerns to be shared to me, not acting the way you are. If my love language was too imitating to you, I would use the love language you would rather have. So what we were 7,000 miles away from each other? So what you are older than me by that bit? These are things that I have considered of before I agree to be with you.
Bygones are bygones, there is nothing that can be done to reverse what has happened. Will I heal? Time will definitely do its job. But for how long? I have no idea. It does not make things any better if I were to catch on to any man and be with him, because I know I using him to get away with the pain I feel right now.
Time has really aged me. The despair that once filled my life has returned like a terror that feeds on my soul. What I think I could nonchalantly walk away from is no longer as nonchalant as I thought it would be. Trust has to be build on again so that my soul and heart would be able to feel its breathing and living the life it should again…..
for the journey has to go on.... 